All of the following are stand-alone monologues. They are not published anywhere, and are not part of
anything larger. They are simply comedic and/or dramatic monologues for audition purposes and/or
enjoyment. (I plan on posting some female monologues on here shortly. In the meantime, I have plenty of
other male and female monologues that are parts of longer pieces, that may be found here). Please feel free
to use these monologues in your class assignments, or auditions, free of charge. I simply ask that you give
me proper writing credit, as Daniel Guyton (pronounced Guy-tun).
If you plan to perform these monologues before a paying audience, then I will request you contact me
before doing so. Also, if you have success with, or questions about, any of these monologues, please drop
me a line and let me know. I would love to hear from you!
ANDRE is a married man, here talking to his doctor about his marital problems.
So my wife says to me "Andre." See that's my name, Andre. She says "Andre, how come you never wash the dishes
no more?" You see, when she says "wash the dishes", it's a metaphor. You know, for intimacy. Because whenever
the kids are awake, she can't come out and say... (Beat) You know. So instead, she says "wash the dishes." As in,
"Andre, I really need you to wash the dishes tonight." Or... "Andre, my dishes are really nasty this evening. We're
talking filth-encrusted, ate pasta for dinner, can't get the spaghetti sauce off the plates disgustin'." And once in a
while, my kids are like, "But mom, we didn't eat pasta for dinner last night." And my wife says, "Go to your
room." But lately, I don't... I don't know. I just haven't been able to wash the dishes like I used to. You know? I…
I get the water running. (Nodding his head sexily) Pour a little soap in there, and before you know it, them dishes
are ready for cleaning. (His demeanor changes) But then my scrub brush loses its bristles, if ya know what I mean?
Now my wife says... that I ain't been washing the dishes in over a year. I can't believe that. My wife and I, we... we
used to wash them dishes every day. Twice a day in the olden days. We washed the dishes in the living room, the
bedroom, the garage... Even in the laundry room sometimes. But now... that sink is overflowing with some nasty,
stinkin’ dishes. And I can’t seem to fix it. What am I to do?
FRANKIE is a former school teacher, explaining to a friend how he lost his job.
I’m a… I clean pools. I used to be a kindergarten teacher. But now I’m… I clean pools. (Beat) And fountains too. I
was a good teacher, but… they caught me stealing towels from the children's washroom, and… (Beat) Paper towels.
I used to drink a lot of coffee in my office. And… I would spill a lot, you know? In... inevitably. So I would steal the
towels from the children's washroom. And I would come out with these giant wads of paper products, just stacks and
stacks of them. You know, in… in case something spilled, or whatever. And I… And for the longest time, they
blamed this kid named Michael who was five years old. And I don’t know why they blamed him ‘cause he was always
dirty, so... it's not like he was using them. But... I didn’t want to say anything. In case, you know… I mean, I
figured he’s just a kid. If he goes down, who cares? But I’m… I got my whole career ahead of me. So I can’t go
down for stealing paper towels. But then one day there was a flood. The entire school was flooded. Some water pipe
exploded. Or… the sewage line or something. And the principal came in to assess the damage. And then he saw my
office. With all the toilet tissue on the shelves, and the… boxes on the floor. It turns out I stole over 600 dollars
worth of paper products. (Beat) Of course, my office was the driest in the building, but… that didn’t matter to them.
They had to let me go.
ANTONY is former businessman, but now he's an anteater. He tells a documentary filmmaker how it happened.
You ever wake up and realize, "Life did not go the way you wanted?" Like today, for instance, I woke up and
realized that I was an anteater. I mean, all this time I thought I just had exotic tastes. After all, they eat ants in
India, don't they? They're… Well, they're kind of a delicacy over there. (Fondly) Especially when they're drizzled in
chocolate and… amaretto sauce. Mmmm, delicious. (He snaps out of it) But today, I saw my reflection in the gator
pool, and I… I realized I'm an anteater. Long snout. Fuzzy hair. It explains why I don't like my vegetables
anymore. (He shrugs) But I coulda sworn that six months ago, I was an executive. Riding around in a corporate
limousine, wearing expensive business suits, buying up all the mom and pop coffee bean stores I could find in favor
of our more expensive, streamlined coffeeporiums, which specialized in coffee beans drizzled in… chocolate and
amaretto. Mmmm. (Proudly) I was great at gobbling up the little businesses, and spitting them out like yesterday's
garbage. But then there was an accident. An amaretto jar was placed into a microwave. The... lid was metal,
apparently. Amaretto sauce exploded all over my face and hands. I… saw a blinding light, and… and then I woke up
in the jungle, with a hungering for little peons. People. Ants. And there I was, munching away on my favorite
afternoon snack, minding my own business. When I was suddenly chased by a rabid wildebeest into that clearing
over there. Which is… of course... when I saw my reflection in the gator pool. Boy, I tell you. Life can throw you a
curve ball from time to time, and it does not always go the way you wanted.
A MAN OF FAITH
FRED is a black actor, here talking to an interviewer about his faith.
Look, there aren't many black Jews in Hollywood, and I respect that. But I met a rabbi once on the set of Matlock,
and I was so impressed by his wisdom, and his demeanor, and his love for potato pancakes. He was the wisest man
I'd ever met. And he was younger than I was too, and already a rabbi. Well, we talked for hours that day while
waiting on our cues, and he explained to me the benefits of eating kosher hot dogs instead of Ballpark, and why
Jewish actors have so much trouble doing live theatre instead of film, because opening night in theatre is almost
always on the Sabbath. Unfortunately, craft services did not offer a kosher menu that day, so... by the end of the
shoot, he was starving. He took me to a little Jewish deli right outside of Beverly Hills, and he told me all about the
Torah, and about the Israelites fleeing from Egypt, and he invited me to Shabbat at his Temple the very next
weekend. I couldn't get over how warm and welcoming his congregation was, so I became a Child of Moses right
then and there. Now my wife wasn't very happy at first. Her brother's a minister in the Nation of Islam, after all,
and my mother... Well... my mom was a Southern Baptist, which made Christmas a little awkward around our
house that first year. I set out a menorah in honor of my newfound brotherhood, and... someone kept stealing the
candles off of it. Eight days of Chanukah soon became seven days of Chanukah. And then six days. And five. And so
on. But after the first few months, they saw a change in me. I had stopped drinking, I wasn't cursing. I became a
real mensch. Pretty soon, my wife became Jewish, and then our kids, and even my brother-in-law softened up his
views a little bit. He still doesn't agree with my decision, but… he stopped praising Louis Farrakhan in my presence,
which I suppose is a good thing. All in all, it's a wonderful faith. And I do love those kosher hot dogs.
ROBERT stares out into the audience, as if looking in a mirror.
Hi there… (He reads from the palm of his hand) Christine. Thank you so much for meeting with me tonight! It's
been seven months and fourteen days since I've last been on a date. No, no… That sounds desperate. (He clears his
throat, and deepens his voice to a sexy baritone) Well, hello there… Christine. Heaven must have lost an angel
tonight, because she's standing right here in front of me. (To himself) No, dangit. That won't work. The Dating For
Dummies book says you don't talk about religion on the first date. So how about… football! Everybody loves
football, right?! But what if she's from Canada or something and doesn't know what a football is? I think they call it
soccer over there. Aw, I don’t even know what to talk about! This is stupid! I just knew this whole dating thing was
a bad ide– (He snaps out of it quickly) No wait! If she is from Canada, then we can talk about hockey! Canadians love
hockey, right? So that's what we'll do! We'll talk about- But what the heck do I know about hockey? Oh geez, why
did I agree to this? I'm just not cut out for dating! (He slaps himself lightly in the face) No! No. Come on, Robert.
Snap out of this! You used to be so smooth with the ladies. Why, I remember back in high school, you often had two
or three dates in one semester! You had those girls eating out of the palm of your hand. Well, Jessica Rubinstein
did anyway. When she was holding both of our soda pops at the movie theatre, and I had to feed her the gummy
worms. Right out of the... palm of my hand. (He gets depressed again) But then, of course, Julia came along and… I
didn't even have to try anymore. She just fell right into place with me. Whatever I wanted to talk about, she...
listened. Wherever I wanted to go, she… (He snaps out of it) No. Robert. Julia's been gone for almost a year now,
and it’s time to move on. (To the mirror) Hi Christine. My name is Robert, and my wife died in a horrible car
accident seven months and fourteen days ago. How are you today? Ugh. This is gonna be the worst date of my life.
ALAN types something on a keyboard, then sighs heavily, then types something else.
Dear Mr. Jones, thank you for making my life a living hell. (He scrunches up his face) No, no. I need him to give me
a good reference. (He hits the delete button three times, then types three letters) Dear Mr. Jones, thank you for making
my life a living heck. Yes, much better. In the 14 long but wonderful years that I've worked for you here at
Solomon & Jones, you have never once rewarded me for my hard work or my perfect attendance. Instead, on more
than occasion, you have chosen to berate me publicly. Like when I accidentally backed my car into yours in the
company parking lot. Six or seven times. Or when I exploded the microwave in the company break-room by heating
up my fork. For four years in a row now, our sales figures have been through the roof, thanks to my clever
bookkeeping skills, but did you ever once offer me a raise, or even a, "Hey, good job, pal, or whatever your name
is?" No. Instead, you said, "What kind of number is A-46-T9-4,000?" as if I was an idiot. Everyone knows that
number was the gross. The net, of course, was E-62-8-7-Z-9." And I'll never forget that time you invited the whole
sales team onto your yacht for the company picnic, but rather than explain to me why I shouldn't enter the cockpit
while you weren't looking, or turn the steering wheel straight towards the Eastern seaboard, or gun the engine and
then drop anchor while the boat was in motion – instead you chose to call me some discouraging names in front of
the Coast Guard. Frankly, sir, in an environment such as ours, in which teamwork is a necessity, and in which team-
building is a core component of our competency training, I have consistently found your behavior towards me to be
somewhat lacking in this regard. Now granted, I am aware that my father is one of our key shareholders, and you
are probably loathe to show me some sort of nepotism, for fear of upsetting the other employees. But I happen to
know for a fact that Sheila McKinnerman from Human Resources was issued a raise just two months ago, and she's
been here for only a year now. Mike Abilone from Sales and Marketing has been here for two years, and now he has
an office with a window. Even Franklin Anchorman from the janitorial staff is getting a much higher paycheck than
I am. I have been speaking with many of the other employees, sir, and I don't believe that they would see my being
treated equally as an unfair advantage. In fact, I believe that they are secretly on my side – although none will
come out and say so, perhaps for fear of your reprisals. In closing, sir, I'm afraid that I must at this time consider
the possibility of searching for alternative employment. Unless, of course, you'll consider giving me a ten percent
raise, one day off a week, and occasional restroom privileges? Whilst I truly have, for the most part, enjoyed my
time working here at Solomon & Jones, I have to admit, that this new assignment you've given me, of remaining
locked inside of a darkened supply closet for the last two days, with the admonition of, "Maybe now you’ll keep your
clumsy hands to yourself" just seems… Well frankly, sir, I feel it is a task far beneath my experience level. I
sincerely hope you'll give this matter some consideration, and I do look forward to your reply. Sincerely, Alan
Solomon, Junior. (Beat) Esquire. (He scans over the paper) There. Not bad.
FOUR MORE HOURS
ALEXANDER speaks to his attorney, wearing a prison jumpsuit.
Four more hours, and I’m gone. No more letters from my wife. No more bullshit from the neighbors. I suppose I
could just… sleep. Four years ago I used to sleep. Ten, eleven hours at a time. I used to sleep. What I wouldn’t give
for those eleven hours back right now. What I wouldn’t give for… (Beat) Part of me wishes it was done right now.
Just get it over with, you know? Just stick me with those needles, and send me back to where I came from. Who
needs four more hours anyway? (Pause) But then, part of me wishes it was four more days. Even four more days, I
could write my memoirs. Write something for my little girl, so she could… (Small pause) Yeah, I know I should
have written it four days ago! But you said I had a chance! Four days ago, you… Four days ago, I had a lifetime.
And now I have four more hours. Which is nothing. In four more hours I will be nothing. I’m sorry. Three more
hours and 59 minutes, and that fucking clock keeps ticking! Tick-tick-tick-tick-tick! You know, I almost envy that
shopkeeper. When I took him out, it was quick. Instant. Bullet to the back of the head, and he never saw it coming.
None of this… ticking. Waiting. Wondering if… (Beat) It’s like that look on that little boy’s face when he watched
me shoot his father, and he wondered if… For a split second, he wondered if… (ALEXANDER makes his fingers into
a gun, and aims it at the imaginary boy, but he tears up and pulls away) But I couldn’t do it. I wish to God I had
because then I’d have no witnesses, but... I couldn’t do it. And now in three more hours and 58 minutes, I'll be
staring at that little boy's face again, and he won’t show me any mercy. Not like the kind that I showed him. Nah,
he won't show me nothin'.
JOSE speaks to a therapist.
So I’m in that café with George, right? That little French place next door to… you know. And I could see that
something was wrong. He keeps speaking to me like… he knows something. But I don’t know what. He keeps
hinting. Like… something bad’s about to happen. But I’ve known George since high school, and I have never seen
the man do anything really. He goes to work, he plays with his kids. Real normal stuff, you know? But here he is
with this look in his eye, and I get this really bad feeling, like… maybe he’s gonna kill himself, or… something.
But then he makes a joke. This really funny joke about… why did the lawyer cross the road? To get to the car
accident on the other side. And I thought, “All right. You know. He’s making jokes, so everything must be fine.”
And I didn’t realize it at the time, but he kept asking me these questions about what kind of perfume I like, and
where was I last Thursday, and I didn’t know what he was getting at! I just thought... it was a strange conversation.
Except… we all know what happens next. The next day I see the paper and there’s George’s face all over it. Not ten
minutes after he left that café, he… (Beat) He’d had that gun on him the entire time he was sitting there. Just
watching me. Wondering if… (Beat) You see, it turns out the man he shot was sleeping with his wife, but the whole
time we were sitting there, he was trying to find out if it was ME! I guess he realized it wasn’t because I’m still
alive. But… can you imagine?
AARON speaks to his teenage daughter, softly.
Is it a boy, or… you don’t know? (He nods) And do you even know who the father is, or…? (He nods again) Well, at
least you know that part. Would it help if I told you I was strongly opposed to this decision? Your mother and I
are… well, we can help you out if you need. (He nods) I understand. (Small pause) Well, I know parenthood is hard,
baby! I went through it, remember? Yeah, I wasn’t there all the time, but I was there for some of it. At least on
weekends. After I got sober. (Small pause) It isn’t always easy being a parent, sweetheart. In fact... some days it’s
damn near impossible. But having you is something I will never regret. Now I'll agree with you on one thing -
parenthood is scary. Ain’t no two ways about it. But there can be so much magic in it, too, baby. Like at your ninth
birthday party. I will never forget your face, when you saw me in that doorway. I… felt so happy to be there, and I
wished to God I had been there for the first eight, baby. I… (He wipes a tear from his eye) But I didn’t miss them
because of you, sweetheart. I missed them because of me. Because of my sins, and my shame. And I know! You’re
feeling those same things right now, but don’t! Because that day, when I saw you, I knew. That there must be some
good inside me, because I saw it reflected in your eyes. Now I can’t tell you what to do here, sweetheart – you'll
have to make this decision, not me. But you saved my life that day. And you can do the same for that little one
inside of you. But the choice is yours. Just know, that whatever you decide, I love you.
PICTURES ON THE INTERNET:
CHRISTIAN is a 15 year old boy who explains why he shared an inappropriate photo of his girlfriend with the world.
I don't know why I did it. I... really liked her though, you know? But… she sent me… (Small pause) I showed my
friends. I thought… I must be pretty cool. I took something very personal and showed the world. I only meant to
show my friends, but… they showed their friends, and they showed their friends. Even some of the teachers got it. I
didn't even ask her to send it. I… We made out a couple times. Behind the lunch room. We never even… I liked
her. You know? I… told her I wanted to… you know. And she got uncomfortable. Told me she wasn't ready yet. I
told her it was all right, but… she knew I was disappointed. In retrospect, I wasn't even that disappointed. The
making out was really cool. But… my friend Eddie kept teasing me that I hadn't gotten laid yet, and… I don't
know. I took it out on her, I guess. When she left, I didn't even say goodbye. I just… left. Later that night, she
texted me a picture. (Small pause) She took her shirt off, and… texted me her picture. I think she was saying she
was sorry. For… disappointing me somehow. If I could do it again, I would have saved that picture. Locked it up
with a password. Something special just for me. I’ve seen naked pictures before, but... not someone I’d ever met.
Just… pictures on the internet. Nothing real. Just… pixels. You know? Random dots of color on a screen. (Small
pause) Eddie was over that night. When Rebecca sent the text. If he wasn't there, I… (Small pause) I wish I had
time to think about it, but he saw the picture almost as soon as I did. He asked me to forward it to him, and… I did.
I can’t believe she committed suicide over it. I just… It doesn’t even seem real, you know? It’s just… pixels.
Random dots of color on a screen. They don’t even make sense to me anymore.