|Article Published in the New Haven Chronicle Gazette, June 8, 2006
Hundreds of angry protesters swarmed the Temple of Guytontology this past
Thursday, complaining of what some feel are hateful comments posted on the
Church's website (www.danguyton.com/guytontology.html).
One comment, which gives little to no detail, states simply, "Coming up in next
week's sermon: Why marshmallow Peeps are evil", leading some critics to see
the Church of Guytontology as no more than a front for Anti-Confectionary-ism.
"Them bastids is racist!" Exclaimed one angry protester. "I seen them wearin'
hoods on they faces, and that one guy, Dan Gubbleton or whatever, HE was
daincin' with the devil!"
"Oh my Guyton!" Cried one irritated church-goer. "Those Peeps are so stupid!
Don't they realize that Dan is the true salvation? If they would just accept Dan as
the Lord and Savior, none of this would have happened!"
A fistfight broke out between members of the cult and protesters, before police
intervened around 3pm.
When asked why the activists were so irate, one protester, a woman in her
mid-forties cried out, "I tried to join the Church of Guytontology last Tuesday,
but was denied because my father is half-Marshmallow! I've never even met my
father! I've been Episcopalian my whole life!"
Despite attempts from local police, the situation began to get worse, when
suddenly, amidst jeers and taunts from the angry mob, there emerged an
unexpected surprise. Clad only in a green toga and a wreath of holly upon his
head, High-Priest Master Guyton appeared.
"Yay people, please. Calm thyselves." Called Master Guyton as he attempted to
quell the angry mob. "Please understand, it is not the Peeps that we abhor. It is
their ignorance. For we love all people, great and small, black, white, Aryan or
non. Well, except for Albinos. Those people freak me out. But all other people
can be saved, through the 'Way of the Dan.' Amen."
Several protesters and cult members responded surprisingly with "Amen."
Perhaps even more surprising, many protesters threw down their signs right
then after hearing him speak, and began dancing with members of the cult. It
was as if his voice held magical sway over the lot of them. Then suddenly,
Guyton broke out chips and coffee, and before long, the entire mob was seated
in what appeared to be the largest play-reading circle in history.
They read plays by Mamet and Dostoevsky, and some even brought their own
scripts which they gleefully performed. The player group lasted well into the
wee hours of the morning, as startled police officers looked on, until one by
weary one, the now peaceful souls dispersed.
"But why the sudden change of heart?" one reporter asked.
"Oh that's easy," Replied Vinny Barberino of Kotterville, "I mean, sure, the Peeps
control Hollywood. But Dan controls the 'Theatre.'"
By 7 in the morning, only 13 souls remained, all engaged in a conjugal embrace.
When asked which play they were performing now, Guyton replied happily,
"The Vagina Monologues."
For more on the Church of Guytontology, please visit:
-Alvin Masterson, Associated Press, Inc.
|Opponents of the Church of Guytontology rallied Thursday
to protest what many feel are "anti-Semitic" comments on
the Church's website.
|Things got out of hand around 3pm.
|More angry protesters
|High-Priest Master Daniel Guyton (left), days before his notorious "Dance-Off"
with the Devil (right). Satan reportedly twisted his ankle, though, and was unable to
compete. The event has been rescheduled for Halloween.
|The Church of