|The CHURCH of GUYTONTOLOGY
Welcome to the Church of Guytontology, the religion to end all religions. I am Daniel
Guyton, founder and High-Priest Master of the Church of Guytontology. People ask me
often, "Why Daniel? Why start your own religion?" And I tell them, "It's because I like
sects. A lot of sects. Good sects, bad sects. It's all the same. Like pizza." But this sect is
not like any other sect, however, because right now, my friends, I am all alone in my
worship. Sure, sects with myself is fun, but I am hoping to expand, proselytize to others.
Soon, I hope to have sects with hundreds, even thousands of other people! Hell, even
one would be nice. But either way, my friends, I want to welcome you to the world of
Guytontology. It is a dark world, a scary world, fraught with peril, mystery, and strife.
But if you stay the course, my brothers (and my sisters), you will find the destination
filled with pleasures and laughter beyond your wildest imagination. Come laugh with me,
my children. Languish in the delightful misery of my creations. Oh, but don't drink the
MINUTES FROM LAST WEEK'S MEETING (6/06/06):
Deacon Kevin: Hear ye, hear ye! Members of the Church of Guytontology. The great and
honorable High-Priest Master Daniel Guyton is about to speak. Please be seated.
High Priest: Thank you, thank you, Kevin. I appreciate your announcing me in that manner.
Brothers, sisters, members of my beloved congregation, please join me in a prayer of
remembrance for our fallen brethren. Those who were slain in battle for the souls of all
mankind. Good folks, like Hans Christian Anderson, Mark Twain, and the guy who wrote
"Little House on the Prairie." (Deacon whispers in High Priest's ear) Oh, was that a woman?
Oh. Well, scratch that. How about "MASH?" Right. Ok, well, let's honor the guy who wrote
"MASH". All agreed? (Muttering of assent from crowd) Good then. Let us bow our heads.
"Our fathers of art, and Kevin, hollow be my mind. Thy wisdom come, my scripts be done,
throughout Earth as they are in LA. And give us this day our daily cred, and lead us not into
cliche'-dom, but deliver us from sequels, for thine is the wisdom and the power of the Story
forever. Amen." (Mutterings of "Amen" from the Congregation) Let us turn to page 73 of our
script-writer's handbook. On top of the page, you'll notice it says, "He who writeth next
without knowingeth first the plot, shall perish to the last beneath a steamingeth pile of rot."
Ah, lovely. What make you, friends, of this worthy passage? Yes, Kevin?
Deacon Kevin: It means you should always know the plot before you start writing?
High Priest: Ah. Yes. Well... That's true. Very good, Kevin. You're cleverer than I thought.
Anyone else have another interpretation? Anyone? I... Yes, I suppose that is the only way you
can look at that. Um... let's find another, shall we? Page 98. "The pen, truly then, is
mightier than the sword." Hmmm. "The pen, truly then, is mightier than the sword." What do
you make of this one, friends? Yes, Kevin?
Deacon Kevin: It... means that you can do more damage to a person by ruining his reputation
than you can by killing him?
High Priest: I... Really? Is that what it means?
Deacon Kevin: Uh... Yes.
High Priest: Oh. Cuz I always thought it meant you could, like, stab someone in the neck or
something, and it would do more damage with a pen than... if you chopped him up with a
sword or something.
Deacon Kevin: No, it... I'm pretty sure it has to do with reputation versus death.
High Priest: Oh, Well thank you. See, I... had no idea. (to the crowd) Kevin sleeps with his
mother, everyone! (Gasping sounds from the congregation) No, no, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
See, the whole... reputation thing, I was... Yes, well. Enough scripture. Let's look at our
hymn book, shall we? (Someone in the crowd coughs loudly) Oh right, Betty, yes, I'm sorry.
(To the congregation) If you prefer to call it a "Her" book, you may. (Whispering to
Deacon) Damn feminists. (Back to the crowd) Anyway, on page 19, there is a lovely hymn -
or her - that we may sing together. It's called "Amazing Race." (He sings. A few join in with
Amazing Race, how sad that show
That makes me retch on key,
I once was found, but now I'm lost,
You call this reality?
(He speaks, not sings, this next part, though the music still continues)
Why have you forsaken us, Lord? Why give us such inartistic crap to rot our brains? What
happened to Archie Bunker, and "Three's Company?" Shows that made you laugh and think
instead of cry? Where's the imagination, Lord? The creativity? I'd rather have my eyes
gauged out by Satan, than waste another minute watching "Survivor" or "Apprentice," Lord!
Forgive us, Father, for we have sinned! For too long have we stayed inside our homes,
rotting out our brains with worthless filler! Send us salvation, Lord, and lead us not into
"Temptation Island," but deliver us from "Surreal Life!" WE SHALL WORSHIP NO
AMERICAN IDOL BEFORE YOU, LORD! PLEASE SHINE YOUR WORTHY GRACES
DOWN UPON US!
High Priest: Now, please join us for chips and coffee. Afterwards, we will sit around in a
circle and read each other's work. If your scripts are lame, I will heal them. If your
characters are mute, I will give them voice. You mustn't be afraid, my children. For in the
Church of Guytontology, all plays are miraculously funny. All scripts will come alive within
three days, at most. Please. Bask in my glory. Touch me if you wish, for I am the way to your
salvation. In fact, touch me anyway, for I am Guyton. Amen.
(Congregants rise from their seats. End of Minutes)
Coming Up in Next Week's Sermon:
For more on Guytontology, please click HERE.
|The path on your quest
for righteousness is
paved with false hopes
and further questions.
Do you need answers
now? Let Guytontology
show you the way.
|High-Priest Master Daniel Guyton, with a gay disciple. He helps the
blind to walk and the deaf to see. Can you hear the Lord?
|The Church of
|***The following is intended for SATIRICAL purposes only. Not to be taken literally.***